it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
