What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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