my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
nutella sex= disaster
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
