i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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