He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
