scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
