Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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