I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
