Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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