Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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