She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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