You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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