My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
