Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
