Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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