hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
