so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
