I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
