Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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