I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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