they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
