Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You're like the curious george of whores
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
