i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
