I think my fart just growled at me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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