Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
