come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
