I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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