i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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