and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
