ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my being single is dangerous.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
