hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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