I am midnight drunk by noon
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
