party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
