You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
