guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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