I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
