my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
