a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
