I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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