Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i came on her dog
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
