you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
