i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
