I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
