...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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