So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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