I looked at my own cervix.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
