cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
