I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
