I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Couch. On fire.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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