When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
