dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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