What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
