What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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