when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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