Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
