Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
